The Top 5 Most Disappointing Comic Book Films

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Will Iron Man 2 be quite as absurd as I think it will? As the trailer plays revealing dancers gyrating in Iron Man costumes, car parks exploding and more robots than a Nissan factory I’m taken back to all those other comic book sequels that blew a promising start…welcome to the top 5 most disappointing comic book films:

Number 5: The Fantastic Four

4 scientists – and what I’m guessing is their janitor/mechanic (ideas?) – get blasted by ‘plot device’, sorry I mean ‘cosmic radiation’, giving them the most disappointing powers since Family Guy’s Meg and her ‘nail power’. When one goes rogue the rest must help bring him down.

What it did well

Jesscia Alba needs to strip to turn invisible – which is either seriously kool or a total tease (she’s naked, but I can’t see her?!). Film explores society’s reaction to its super powered citizens and Julian McMahon’s Victor Von Doom is suitably evil/impressive.

Why it’s so disappointing

Seems the golden rule was ‘keep this PG’. Story seems deliberately stifled to keep the film as inoffensive as possible. What we have left is a bland and forgettable film that always seems to have the ingredients for success but is terrified of using them. Stretch-Armstrong is just a stupid power anyway.

Number 4: X Men 3

Bret Ratner (The Usual Suspects) takes the helm as the X Men’s struggle against society takes a turn for the worst when ‘a cure’ is developed and weaponised prompting Magneto to launch an all out assault

What is did well

The film explores the implications of a ‘cure’; the social dynamic mutation is causing and the underlying civil rights – the cornerstone of the comics. Finally the X Men get to use some super powers and Magento literally lifts the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s an all star cast with excellent performances from Sir Patrick Stewart, Sir Ian McKellan and Kelsey Grammar as ‘Beast’.

Why it’s so disappointing

Bret Ratner cares nothing for the characters or the audience (it goes from day to night in a single scene). Key characters are exterminated at an alarming rate without furthering the story in any way. New characters are introduced and then forgotten/killed wasting their potential. Characters actions are illogical/poorly explained – people join Magento’s team without knowing who he is or what his objectives are only to charge, unarmed, at soldiers.

Number 3: Spiderman 3

Spiderman must contend with a super-bitch girlfriend, an insane best friend, an escaped sand-based criminal and intergalactic slime in between struggling to pay rent.

What it did well

Honestly – not much. Film teases with an alluring darker tone and we finally get to see Venom. There are some good exchanges between Peter Parker and Harry Osborne. JK Simmons steals the show once again as J Jonah Jameson.

Why it’s so disappointing

Total clusterfrak. 3 villains and probably 3 times as many story arch’s crammed into 2 hours. Nothing is developed as the film simply hurtles elsewhere – it’s the ADHD kid on a sugar rush. Venom is dead within 15 mins of appearing – and one seriously has to question why you would kill a significant villain anyway. Sony decided to do the effects in-house – they saved money and made the effects look awful with one decision. Did we really need Peter Parker dancing? Oh, and sand can fly. Apparently.

Number 2: Transformers 2 – Revenge of the Fallen

 

While the Autobots murder apparently dangerous (but seemingly dormant) Decepticons, Shia Le Beouf’s character has managed to miss his girlfriend is a slamming hottie and decides to go to Uni instead of studying her.

What is did well

Megan Fox and Isabel Lucas pleasantly distract for 2 hours. We have a bucket load of new transformers and plenty of explosions. Starscream gets some dialogue and Megatron comes back from the dead.

Why it’s so disappointing

Michael Bay just wants something to explode. Dialogue? Cut! Story? Well, enough to explain the explosion. Characterisation? Bah, those characters are just gonna get shot anyway! You can’t describe this film without calling it ‘preposterously dumb’ – whether it’s the writers slim grasp of geography (Smithsonian is in Arizona?!) or slim grasp of reality (world’s fastest plane teleports instead) this film is painfully stupid. Things would have been saved if action scenes weren’t edited so poorly – the camera shakes, dips and dives so much you’re left wondering what exactly just blew up before concluding it probably didn’t matter.

Number 1: Robocop 3

Following on from Robocop 2, OCP is building Delta City and causing mischief as it goes and its up to Robocop to turn on his own creators. Though Robocop did not originate in a comic book the Robocop film has spawned a seris of comic book with key contributions from none less than Frank Miller himself.

What it did well

Absolutely nothing. There really is no compelling reason for this film to exist

Why it’s so disappointing

Robocop was a social commentary taking in capitalism, drug abuse, violence in popular culture and the media in general. It was ironic, self aware and absurdly violent. Evidently no one involved had seen the previous films and the attempt to make a child friendly romp is positively bizarre and totally missed what had appealed about the first two. Among the worst sequels ever made.

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2 Responses to “The Top 5 Most Disappointing Comic Book Films”

  1. Danjo Kazooe Says:

    I hate to be a douche, but the Robocop movies are not based on comic books. The first movie was based on an original screenplay by Edward Neumeier and Michael Miner.

    Come to think of it – neither is Transformers 2. That movie was of course based on real events. 😛

  2. James Says:

    They’ve all featured in comic books – article’s not about the story origins

    fundamentally they all share the comic book style

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